apache summer
by wildgoose
Summary: daria and jane get sent to Jakes old military acadamy for summer flight school


Daria and all related characters are the property of MTV productions 

Apache Summer 

Written by Steve Mitchell 

(It is June twentieth, It is the last day of school for the year. Daria and Jane are seen walking down the side walk after their last class. It is hot out so Daria is actually seen wearing a short sleeve shirt and no jacket. Jane is wearing a red Tank top, her usual shorts, and no leggings for once.) 

Daria: Thank god schools over. I don't know if I could stand another day in Dimartino's class without committing justifiable homicide. 

Jane: You Thought his class was the worst? Hell, I thought you would have picked Mrs. Barch's class as a place to go postal. 

Daria: All I can say is at least it's over. 

Jane: Until September comes around again in which case It'll start AAAAAAAllll over again. 

Daria: Rub that salt in a little deeper why don't you. 

Jane: Well I didn't want you to get all exited. Your to perky for your own good as it is. (Daria looks at her, Raises an eyebrow, then continues walking until they get to Daria's house.) 

Jane: By the way how come were going to your house instead of mine as usual? 

Daria: Two reasons. One, It's the last day of school which means Quinn will be at a party somewhere. And Two, the A.C. works at my house. 

Jane: I see said the blind man. As he looked down at his dead dog with no legs named cigarette because he liked to go out for a drag. 

(They arrive at Daria's house only to find That Quinn IS in fact home along with both parent's. Quinn can be heard as they open the front door.) 

Quinn: Were taking a vacation for the whole summer! This is Sooo great. Where are we going? I hope it's someplace exotic with a lot of cute boys and....... 

Helen: Daria, Your just in time we were just telling Quinn That your Father and I are going to take a vacation for the summer and... 

Quinn: Wait a minute! Your not taking ME? That's not fair! 

Daria: Actually Quinn That would mean That we'd be here... alone. Typically That's something YOU can't wait for. 

Quinn: Ughhh, why do I even bother talking to you. 

Daria: I've been pondering THAT little question for years. 

Jane: So you two are taking a vacation. That's Great, where are you going? 

Jake: (sounds excited)Hawaii 

Quinn: You guys are going to Hawaii without ME?? Mo,om(sighs) well at least it will give me a little freedom. 

Jake: Uh actually ..... 

Helen: ACTUALLY Quinn, you'll be spending the summer at fashion camp. 

Quinn: What!!!! But none of my friends will be there. I'll be all alone. You Just CAN'T. 

Helen: Well we are so you better get used to it. Your father and I desperately need some time alone and after that weekend party you threw last summer when we went away I'm afraid we simply CAN'T leave you alone. 

Quinn: But mo'om 

Helen: No but's young lady you leave this weekend. 

Quinn: I hope you Know your ruining my whole summer. 

Daria:( as Quinn is seen running up to her room) Aw, no party's for you. I guess I'll have to savor the peace and quiet all by myself. (Actually smiles at this) 

Jake: Actually Daria...(Daria's smile immediately changes to a frown) You'll be going somewhere for the summer as well. 

Daria: You've got to be shitting me. I'm the one you can trust remember. The responsible one. 

Helen: We do trust you sweetie. It's just that we didn't want you to be all alone for the summer. 

Daria: Sure, deny me the one thing that would make my life bearable. (Sighs) So where is this prison to which you are sending me? 

Jake: Remember when your friends sister gave you flying lessons last year. 

Daria: (Doesn't like where this is going) I remember vomiting out the airplane window. 

Jake: (Isn't listening as usual) Well Daria.... 

Helen:(interrupts) Well your father found out that his old military academy is hosting a sort of summer camp flight school. 

Jane: Your sending Daria to Jake's old military academy for the summer? Isn't that a form of torture in some countries? 

Daria: Yea, like this one. 

Helen: She's Just going for flight school. She's not going to enroll in the academy. (Beat) Your awful quiet Daria. How do you feel about all this? 

Daria: (Thinks for a minute) I would have to say..... you suck what for how much? 

Helen: What was that? 

Daria: I'm not going. 

Helen: Daria TRY to be open about this. 

Daria: Open to the fact that your shipping me off to summer camp so I won't be home alone? 

Jake: (Start's thinking. You can tell by the scent of smoke in the air )Hmm.....how about if we let your friend come with you. Would that make it more bearable for you? 

Jane: Um, I think it's time for me to go running. See ya. (Jane begins to walk to the door) 

Daria: At least you have somewhere to run TO. 

Jake: (to Jane) We could make it sweet for you. 

Helen: Jake what the hell... 

Jake: Let ME handle this. 

(Jane stops in her tracks) Jane: (sounding diabolically interested) Elaborate on that a little. 

Jake: Well here's the deal. You go with Daria to this flight school for the summer, we'll pay your way and I'll throw in something extra on the side. 

Jane: (raises an eyebrow in interest)Just how much is something extra? (Daria looks amazed that her friend is extorting money out of her parents) 

Jake: Fifty 

Jane: A hundred 

Jake: Seventy five 

Jane: A hundred 

Jake: Done (Jane smirks evilly) 

Jane: So when do we leave? 

Helen: ( rolls her eyes and Sighs) This weekend 

Jane: Come on Daria, let's go to my house and see what my brother is up to. ( Jane drags Daria out the door.) 

Daria:(scowls at Jane) What the hell was that all about? 

Jane: Relax, I would have come with you anyway. I'm not about to let you roast alone in the new level of hell that your parents have just created for you. 

Daria: I guess ten levels wasn't bad enough. They had to create a new one for me. 

Jane: Yea, besides as long as Jake was attempting to bribe me I figured I'd see how much I could get. A hundred bucks buys a lot of paint. 

Daria: AH, You have learned much from me grasshopper. Soon you will take over. (Jane gives an evil grin) 

(Cut to Jane's house) 

Trent: Your doing what for the summer? 

Jane: Going to flight school with Daria. I guess you'll have to get used to the Idea of having the house all to yourself. Whenever you happen to be awake that is. 

Trent: bummer. 

Jane: Relax, Daria will call you when she get's the chance. (Daria glares at Jane) 

Trent: cool.(smiles at Daria) 

(Cut to Huxton Ridge. Jakes old military academy) 

(Daria and Jane are seen being dropped off at the military academy by Jake and Helen) 

Helen: By girls. Have fun and be careful. 

Jake: Yea, and stay away from the kitchen sink stew. 

Daria: (waving good by) yea, yea, yea. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. 

Jane: (Yelling as they drive away) Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 

Daria:(turns to Jane) IS there anything you wouldn't do? 

Jane: Probably, I just haven't found out what it is yet. 

( They turn around and walk to the registration building. As they enter the building Daria spot's an all to familiar sight standing near a table with a clipboard in his hands. The figure looks up at Daria and stares for a second.) 

Daria: Oh my god,(beat) It's Buzzcut. 

Jane: Come Again? 

Daria: It's Mr. Buzzcut. He was my science teacher back at Highland 

Jane: Why do I suddenly feel a migraine coming on? 

Daria: It probably has something to do with the fact that this guy used to be a marine. He's so rabid he makes Dimartino look like a cute little puppy. 

Jane: I'm starting to think I should have asked for more money from your parents. A lot more. 

Buzzcut:(a look of recognition comes over his face) Daria Morgandorffer! (In his typical drill sergeant tone) My god woman it has been a long time. My class has not been the same without you. 

Daria: Well.....that's good to know. 

Buzzcut: And who is your friend?(he looks at his sheet then looks up) Jane Lane I take it? 

Jane: Once perhaps...in a former life.. (Buzzcut hands them both packet's of papers ) 

Buzzcut: You will both be in barracks three. I will be by there in fifteen minutes to get everybody squared away so move your ass. (Daria and Jane quickly walk off to find their barracks) 

Jane: Jesus, you weren't kidding about him. 

Daria: Afraid not. (They continue walking) 

Daria: So if you were Jane Lane in a former life. Who are you now? 

Jane: I'm still deciding. 

(Cut to Barracks three. Daria and Jane can be seen coming through the door. They stop and look around. Four other people can be seen at their bunks) 

Daria: Well I can see that the barracks are unisex now. 

Jane:(already eyeing up one of the guys) yea. 

Daria: (looks at Jane) Let me guess. Just browsing right? 

Jane: You know me well.(beat) Hmm, I guess we should grab a bunk. (Daria and Jane look around to see that there are only two bunks left.) 

Daria: Six to a barrack, what small flight groups they have. 

Jane: The easier to single you out my dear. (They both take a bunk and begin to get settled in) (Buzzcut enters the room along with five other instructors) 

Buzzcut:( Drill sergeant tone) Good afternoon people. I am Mr. Buzzcut. I will be one of your instructors for the duration of your stay here. Your other instructors are(points to them as he calls their names) Mr. Sikes, Ms. Shultz, Mr. Burns, Ms. Sisko, and Mr. Chen. For the next two and a half months we will be responsible for your education as a pilot. Should you succeed here you will be issued licenses and you may proudly call yourselves pilots. Any Questions? 

Daria:(to herself) Yea, how do I get the hell out of here. (Jane chuckles) 

Kid 1: Mr. Buzzcut, what type of aircraft will we be training on? Cessna? Sandpiper? 

Buzzcut: (chuckles) No son. You will not be training on any of those wimpy aircraft. You will be learning to fly one of the U.S. Military's most advanced helicopters. Mr. Sikes, why don't you give the students here an Idea of what they will be dealing with. 

Sikes: Student's follow me. (Sikes leads them out of the barracks and into a nearby hangar. Then flicks on the lights) 

Student's in unison: Oh SHIT.... 

Sikes: Ladies and gentlemen. This is the AH-64 apache attack helicopter. This is perhaps one of the meanest choppers in the U.S. arsenal today. It is equipped with Laser targeting systems, G.P.S. navigation, pulse Doppler radar, and Forward Looking Infrared Radar or F.L.I.R. You will learn these systems and how to use them while flying this aircraft. And you'll use them as if you where going into combat. The reason for this is when engaged in combat you must learn to think and react quickly. That is how you must be able to handle your aircraft in the real world. It will make things a fair sight easier for you to address unforseen problems. (Moans come from the group) 

Sisko: Come now people, as callus as we seem we are not without heart. It is true that you will be training on these aircraft five days a week. However, and this was not mentioned to your parents, you will be free to go out on your own on the weekends to do as you wish provided that you check in at the times specified on page four of your packets. It's just a formality to make sure your not dead yet. Other than that you will be required to stay at this facility at all other times. 

(The students are led back to their barracks) 

Jane: You were right. Your parents did create a new level of hell just for you. 

Daria: Yea, they must have thought it would make me feel special. 

Jane: I thought low self esteem did that for you. 

Daria: That's you remember. 

Jane: Oh yea. (They get back to the barracks where everyone reclaims their bunks) 

Buzzcut: Now that the introduction is over I expect you all you familiarize yourselves with the packets that have been given to you. You will find the information in there useful for tomorrow. And in the process of your studies you may acquaint yourselves with your bunkmates. (Buzzcut turns and leaves the barracks) (Daria opens her packet and finds a flight manual, a systems guide for the apache and various information sheets on the program they are in.) 

Kid 1:(to Jane) Hi, I'm Mike Cobretti, and you are? 

Jane: Jane Lane. And hiding behind me here is my partner in crime Daria. 

Cobretti: Cool name Daria. Listen as long as were doing the introduction thing here I'd like to introduce to you my sister Eleni. (She leans forward from her bunk and waves) 

Jane: Siblings huh, how did you two end up here? 

Eleni: Our parents wanted time to themselves so they shipped us here. How about you? (Daria and Jane just look at each other) 

Jane: You see Daria, your not the only one tortured by your family. All this time your parents have had their evil twins torturing these people. 

Cobretti: all righty then, (beat) anyway, our final two contestants over here are Dom Calebrese (he sits up at the sound of his name) and John Mitchell( Just yells yo as he continues to read his book) 

Daria: Interesting bunch. 

Calebrese: (Calls over from his bunk) That's for damn sure 

Cobretti: Don't mind him, I think he was deprived as a child. 

Eleni: Deprived.... you mean deproved. (Daria chuckles at this) 

(Cobretti stares at Daria for a moment, cocks his head to one side, pulls Daria's glasses down to the edge of her nose and looks at Daria again.) 

Cobretti: You know Daria...you've got some lovely eyes. Especially when you smile. 

Daria: (blushing) Er..Um...Thanks (Daria gets up and quickly walks to the bathroom) 

Jane:(evil smirk on her face) You move quickly don't you? 

Cobretti: What? I was only stating a fact. (shrugs his shoulders and begins to read the apache systems manual) 

(Cut to the next morning) (Everyone is filing into a classroom with maps posted on the wall along with cutaway diagrams of the apache)(Mind you that the time is six o'clock in the morning. Many of the students are trying coffee for the first time as a result of this.) (A majority of the students are so not used to getting up this early that they haven't even groomed their hair. Jane is no exception to this.) 

Jane:(puts her head down on her desk) We have now entered hell. 

Daria: (applying pressure to her sinuses) Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car. 

(Buzzcut and Sisko enter the room) 

Buzzcut:(shouts) Good morning people. I trust you slept well. (Moans and groans come from the class as they struggle to wake up.) 

Sisko: (equally as loud) Did you all have a chance to review the material? (Doesn't wait for a response) Excellant! Then we shall begin with chapter one, Navigation and Instrumentation. 

(The students remain in this classroom all day long breaking only three times for stretching and personal reasons.)(The class finally lets out at six in the evening) 

Jane: (groans) Oh my god, we have to do that five day's a week. 

Daria: Thank god for air conditioning. 

Jane: Thank god for SLEEP 

Cobretti: It could be worse. 

Calebrese: How the hell could it possibly be worse? 

Cobretti: I don't know. I just Know it could be. 

Eleni: My brother the optimist. Listen I don't Know about you guys but I'm going to my bunk to fall down. 

Calebrese: I'll join you. 

Eleni: Only in your wettest, wildest dreams. (Daria and Jane chuckle) 

Calebrese: I'm there already. 

John:(impersonating the Jerky Boys) Oh my god, this is tearing the ass out of me. (Calebrese and Cobretti snicker uncontrollably at this) (That same routine, plus or minus a few events, continues for the rest of the week as they advance through the chapters) (Finally the long awaited weekend.) 

Daria: This place is pure hell, and it's only been a week. 

Jane: yea, but take it this way. It's the weekend and we can cut loose for a while. 

Daria: I guess. What are you going to do? 

Jane: Cobretti and the others are going to shoot some pool. They wanted to know if you were coming. 

Daria: (sounding curious)They? 

Jane: Okay, Cobretti wanted to know. 

Daria: I'm not very good at pool, the closest I've ever come is trying to push Quinn into one.. 

Jane: Well, this will give you a chance to familiarize yourself with the game . Now come on, It'll give Cobretti a chance to admire your eyes some more. 

(Daria looks down a little)(Jane senses that something is amiss) 

Jane: You miss Trent already don't you. 

Daria: What? 

Jane: Trent tends look at you the way Cobretti did, (Beat) Usually from a distance where you can't see it. 

Daria: I guess I miss talking to him. 

Jane: Well that's a start. Come have some fun with us. It'll make you feel better. 

Daria: Oh all right. (They both get up and leave for the pool hall in town) 

(They meet up with the other student's at a pool hall called the Cue Club.) 

Calebrese: Hey Daria, Glad you could make it. Grab a cue were about to set up. 

Daria:(sighs) I Guess. (Goes to the rack on the wall and selects a cue as does Jane) 

Daria: Listen, I'm not very good at this. 

Cobretti: That's cool, well keep the game simple until you pick it up. 

Jane: Alright then, let's get started.( Racks the balls and then breaks sinking four of the solid colored balls on the first shot) 

Daria: When the hell did you learn to play pool so well? 

Jane: Wind showed me a few things before his marriages. 

Cobretti: He show you any other tricks? 

Jane: Play me and find out. 

Cobretti: ooh, a challenge. I love it already. (Jane takes her next shot but misses on purpose so she could see how good the competition was) (Cobretti takes his shot and rebounds a striped ball off of four separate corners before finally sinking two balls.) 

Jane: Impressive. (The two of them commandeer the pool table and begin a competition with each other that lasts the remainder of the night.) 

(Later that night) (The rest of the crowd has cleared out by now. Just the six of them remain) 

Eleni:(while holding a drink in one hand and a pretzel in the other) How long do you think they can go with this? 

Calebrese: Damned if I know but it looks like it could be while. 

Daria: Did anybody check in yet? It's coming up on one o'clock. 

John: (comes over from playing video games) Yea, I called in for us about an hour ago. (John looks over at Cobretti and Jane still playing pool.) Jesus, are they still at it. 

Daria: Yup, doesn't look like their going to quite any time soon either. 

John: (spots a juke box in the corner) (to Daria) You having fun yet? 

Daria: Herds. Why? 

John: Well I just happened to notice that there is a cd player over in the corner and I was curious to know if there was anything you wanted to listen to. 

Daria: Let me guess, that's your best pick up line isn't it? 

John: No, Actually I could probably come up with something better but I figured I'd go with sincerity first. Sooo, would you like to listen to something? 

Daria: (apolageticly) Hmm, I don't know. What have they got? 

John: Interesting question. Let's find out. 

(They look through the case looking for cd's ) 

John: Hmm, Not much of a selection here. 

Daria: Not unless you're a Jeff Foxworthy fan. 

John: Well, there IS a couple of things here worth listening to. (He selects a few cd's and hits the play button) (Enter Sandman by Metalica begins to play.) 

Daria: That works. (They go back to the pool Table and bullshit with the others for the rest of the night until the pool hall closes and they get kicked out because Jane and Cobretti didn't want to stop playing.) 

Eleni: Okay so what now? 

John: Well, there's an all night diner up the street a ways. Anybody Hungry? 

Jane: Sounds good to me. I'm starving. 

Daria: I thought artists were supposed to be starving. 

Jane: Yea, but that's just when their working on a project. Any other time we eat like there's no tomorrow. 

(They head over to a place called Jane's Diner) 

Calebrese: Hey Jane check it out. Your in the food business. 

Jane: Cool, let's find out what I'm serving. (They enter and seat themselves) (A waitress comes over and takes their order's. Daria actually orders something other than dry toast and tea.) ( The wait for their food is surprisingly short) 

Eleni: So....is anyone actually getting anything out of this program yet? 

Daria: That depends. Does learning how to maneuver my way over and under bridges with a flying tactical weapon count? 

Cobretti: Hmm,... under the circumstances I would have to say yes. 

Daria: Well then that clears it up for ME. I wasn't sure at first. (Cobretti chuckles) 

( The six of them continue to eat their food and talk for the next few hours) (The sun can be seen beginning to peek over the horizon) 

Eleni: Damn it's late. 

Jane: Or early, whatever 

Cobretti: I guess we'd better head back. 

Calebrese: Do we have to? 

Cobretti: Afraid so. 

Calebrese: Nooo.....(Sobs fakingly on Daria's shoulder) (Jane is trying her best not to laugh) 

Daria: (patting him on the head)(Monotone voice) There....There....There will be other weekends. 

Calebrese: (pretends to blow his nose) Okay. 

(They head back to their barracks and sleep halfway through Sunday) (This type of activity, classes and otherwise continues for the next three weeks. (Cut to The classroom at six in the morning. The student's by now are beginning to get used to this schedule and are now semi awake when they enter the classroom.) 

(Buzzcut enters the room and makes his presence known by slamming the door and waking everybody up completely.) 

Buzzcut: (Usual drill sergeant tone) Good morning class. I hope you are ready for a change in pace today.(class groans) So far you have learned the systems of this aircraft and your flight skills from your manuals. Now it's time to see if you can put all that knowledge to good use. Today you will all begin training on the simulators. 

Calebrese:(perks up) Alright! video games 

Eleni: Now you should see us in our truly natural habitats. 

Jane: You mean vegging out in front of a tv screen killing brain cells while trying to compete with a computer? 

Eleni: That's the one. 

Jane: wahoo! 

Daria: Such enthusiasm for a young artist. 

Buzzcut: (rolls his eyes) Follow me people. (He leads them to the simulation building) (When they arrive they find the other five instructors waiting there for them.) 

Buzzcut: Ok Ms. Sisko, You may take it from here. 

Sisko: OK people, listen up. This is the apache simulation unit. This thing is state of the art. It will do everything that the apache will do....and it will also do everything your opponent might do. So look sharp and concentrate on the task at hand. Which is learning to fly these mean bastards. (She begins to issue flight suits and helmets) 

Shultz: OK people I will now assign you your instructor and a simulator. Mike Cobretti, your with Sisko in unit one. Eleni Cobretti, your with Sikes in unit two. Dom Calebrese, your with Mr. Chen in unit three. John Mitchell, your with me in unit four. Jane Lane, your with Burns in unit five. Daria Morgandorffer, your with Buzzcut in unit six. Alright, change into your flight suites and report to your simulators. (All leave for the locker rooms, change and promptly return. We can see that each flight suite has that persons name on it along with a patch on the sleeve that says NOVA SQUADRON. We can also see that on their helmets are new call sign's which were chosen by none other than Buzzcut himself printed on the forehead of the helmets) 

Daria: (Looking at her helmet and reading the call sign) Cynic? Maybe there is justice in the world after all. Jane what did you get? 

Jane: Hmm. Apparently my new name is Thumper. 

Daria: Thumper? Where the hell did they come up with that? 

Jane: (Stomps her foot) Dammit, how the hell should I know. 

Daria: What did everybody else get? (They all look at their helmets) 

Cobretti: Viper 

Calebrese: Razor 

Jane: Why Razor? 

Calebrese: Probably because I keep cutting my self shaving. 

Jane: You sure those aren't just subconscious suicide attempts brought on by being dumped in this hole for the summer? 

Calebrese: Pretty sure. 

Jane: How about you Eleni. 

Eleni: (turns the helmet around to show them) Airwolf 

Daria: Let me guess. It's Because of the wolf picture on the back of your jacket right? 

Eleni: That's my guess. 

Daria: John how about you? 

John: Reptile 

Jane: How in the name of god did they come up with that ugly ass name? 

John: Actually it was my choice. I'm a Mortal Kombat fan. 

Daria: (Deadpan) I never would have guessed. 

Buzzcut: Enough with the chit chat people seconds are ticking here. Let's go, let's go. (Everyone trots to their simulator and Joins their instructor.) 

Buzzcut: Okay Daria, you will now enter this simulator. (Pointing as he goes) Step here, here, here, and here. Do NOT step here, here, or here. Now climb on in. (She cautiously enters the simulator which is needless to say lacking in extra space.)( Buzzcut instructs her on the proper way to strap in) (That same scenario is repeated with the other student's as well.) ( Actually speaking in a normal tone once he closes the hatch) Okay Daria, let's get this thing fired up. (Speaks into his mic.) Buzzcut: Okay control give me program novice one. 

(The screens where the windows should be come to life and we can see by the image being displayed that she is sitting on the runway with all systems up and running) 

Buzzcut: Okay cynic, lets see what you've got. 

Daria:( takes a deep breath) Okay, but by saying that you wave all right's to sue me in the afterlife if I kill us all. (With that Daria pushes the throttle up and pulls back on the stick. We can see the apache lift off the ground successfully and rise slowly to an altitude of fifty feet. Daria is very nervous and tense.) 

Buzzcut: (Speaking in a soft tone believe it or not) Relax Daria, This is a simulator. If you make a mistake the worst that can happen is the simulation could end. Now take some deep breaths, loosen up and flow with it. (Daria does so and begins to feel a little better.) 

Buzzcut: Try not to hyperventilate ok? 

Daria:(slows her breathing) OK. 

Buzzcut: Ready? 

Daria: uh-huh. 

Buzzcut: Okay, take us up to two hundred and fifty feet and set a course along bearing three one seven. Try to hold your altitude and make your velocity for eighty knots. 

(Daria is able to do this successfully although her speed tends to fluctuate from time to time.) (She does this along with random maneuvers as instructed by Buzzcut until she gets a feel for the aircraft.) (In the simulation Daria is following a river bed) 

Buzzcut: Daria, do you see that bridge up ahead? 

Daria: Yea. 

Buzzcut: I want you to slow down and bring us to a hover directly parallel one hundred feet from that bridge. (Daria is successful with this.) 

Buzzcut: Okay Daria, let's try a little free flight but be on guard at all times. (Daria moves away from the bridge, selects a random coarse and fly's off on her own heading.) (Daria is actually beginning to enjoy herself) (meanwhile Buzzcut has switched com channels and is arranging for the control room to rig some surprises) (Daria is oblivious to what Buzzcut is doing. She is busy dodging trees, telephone wires, and the like) 

Buzzcut: (calls out) BANDIT inbound six o'clock high. 

Daria: (blurts out) What??? (She looks to her left to see tracers passing the canopy and then a Mig twenty nine screaming by) 

Buzzcut: Evasive maneuvers. (Buzzcut goes silent from this point as he watches her reactions) 

Daria: OH SHIT. (She frantically looks around the instrument panel and pushes the master arm button Then looks around for cover) (Daria does a one eighty and begins to run for a nearby tree line only to find the Mig coming back at her) 

Daria: For god's sake have a heart man. (She finds the weapon selector switch and selects a stinger missile and attempts to lock up the incoming Mig.) 

Daria: Come on you son of a bitch, work. (Daria hears a tone signaling a good lock and fires. The missile comes off and destroys the Mig.) 

Buzzcut: (breaking his silence) Excellent work! 

Daria: I was no where near ready for that. 

Buzzcut: Like I said, you have to think quickly. Okay that's enough for this morning take us back. (Daria successfully lands back at the simulated airfield and the simulation ends.) 

Buzzcut: Daria, now that this ordeal is over are you ready to be critiqued. 

Daria:(Deadpan once again) Oh joy. Can't wait. 

Buzzcut: Believe it or not you made few mistakes for a first timer. One, you forgot to obtain clearance to lift off from the tower. Two you forgot to obtain clearance to land. And Three you need to control your speed a little better. That's it. Not bad for your first run. 

Daria: I probably could have handled that better. 

Buzzcut: Don't sweat it. I haven't met a first time student yet who didn't shit themselves over that run. (Daria smirks at this and obviously feels a little better) (Buzzcut exits the simulator followed by Daria) (Eleni, John, and Jane had finished before Daria and can be seen waiting for the others. 

Daria: Aw, you waited up for little old me, how thoughtful. (Eleni chuckles but John looks confused) 

Jane: So Daria how did you do? 

Daria: Forgot to get clearance to lift off and land. Other than that I think it went well. You? 

Jane: Crashed and burned on the runway. 

Daria: Crash and burn. Icky. Eleni How about you? 

Eleni: Shot down. I never even saw him coming. (Daria looks at John) 

John: About the same as you. 

(The door to Cobretti's simulator opens and he get's out with a pissed look on his face.) 

Eleni: Well? 

Cobretti: I tried to fly with the monocle down and I crashed into some power lines. 

Jane: Feeling a little deep fried are we? 

Cobretti: More like medium well done. You know, a little crispy on the outside but still intact. 

(Yells are heard coming from Calebrese's simulator as it moves wildly about) 

Calebrese:* Cook em', clean em', fry em', smash em', slice em', dice em', (Screams) all gone bye bye. 

Jane: Well HE's certainly having fun. Daria: Hopefully with his razor, then we won't have to hear him gloat about his escapades. 

Cobretti: (chuckles) Good one Daria. 

Daria: mm...thanks. 

(They all wait for Calebrese to finish and then they head over to the cafeteria to get something to eat before their next run in the simulator.) (The group continues to practice in the simulator twice a day for the next three weeks and in the meanwhile they all become rather adept pilots ) 

(Cut to The tarmac at the far end of the academy grounds) (The students are all lined up on the tarmac along with their instructors. In front of them are six apache helicopters lined up and ready to go. 

Buzzcut: Students...you have all performed outstandingly up to this point but I think now it's time for the real thing. For the record You will not be carrying any live ordinance. The rocket pods you will be carrying are equipped with photo strobes. It'll work sort of like laser tag. Your thirty millimeter chain gun is armed only with tracer flares. They are harmless but provide for good effect during a mach engagement. Also for the record you are NOT authorized at this point to engage your teammates. I am merely informing you so that you as pilots are completely aware of your situation. Is that understood? (The reply of "you bet your sweet ass chuckles" comes from the entire squad.) 

Buzzcut:(Trying not to laugh at their reply) Then let's get them in the air. (They each walk to their assigned chopper with their instructor and climb in) 

(Cut to interior Daria's apache) 

Buzzcut: Alright Daria call out the procedure as you go. 

Daria:( Begins flipping switches and typing on a small keyboard.) Battery on. Synchronizing G.P.S. navigation systems. Initializing laser designation systems. Doppler radar and FLIR are now on line. 

Buzzcut: Very good, now lets see if the bastard will kick over. (Daria pushes a few buttons and begins to play with the throttle. We can hear the engines begin to moan as the they come to life and the rotors begin to rotate faster and faster.) 

Daria: We've got a good start. All systems good start.(doesn't wait for a prompt from Buzzcut) Tower this is cynic, request clearance to lift off. 

Tower: Cynic you've got a ten knot crosswind from the southeast and you've got broken cloud cover at angels one zero. You are clear to lift off. (At that Daria pushes up on the throttle and lifts off while pitching forward to clear the pad so the others can safely lift off. She moves just outside the airfield and hovers while waiting for the others.) (Com chatter can be heard in Daria's headphones as everyone else get's under way) (Buzzcut cues up his mic as every one joins into formation) 

Buzzcut: Listen up everybody. While in the air it is not only required but it is tradition to refer to each other by their given call sign. Got that? (Doesn't wait for a reply) Maintain this formation and follow my instructions at all times. 

(The squadron moves off to the south while still maintaining formation) 

Jane: Cynic/Thumper. I'm over at your one o'clock a little low. (Daria turns her head to see Jane's face as she lifts up the sun visor built into her helmet) 

Daria: What's up Thumper? 

Jane: I was just going over our flight plan and it looks like were going to be practicing right over Lawndale. 

Daria: Cool. Hmm, since we can't engage each other maybe if were lucky we'll spot Kevin's Jeep on the road and we can engage him. 

Schultz: (who has been listening the whole time Keys up his mic) Cynic/Cougar. don't even think about it. Daria and Jane: DAMMIT!!! 

Jane: Oh well it was a thought. 

Daria: And it's a thought you should cherish for the rest of your life. 

Jane: Engaging Kevin? 

Daria: No, Making him shit himself while we give him a close encounter experience. 

Jane: I like it already. 

Eleni: Cynic/Airwolf. what's so big about Lawndale anyway. 

Daria: It's our home sweet hell which we someday hope to escape. 

Eleni: What could be so bad about it. 

Jane: Two words. Morons and Fashion fiends. 

Eleni: Those are good reasons. 

Calebrese: Cynic/Razor. It can't be as bad as my hometown. 

Daria: And where pre` tell is that? 

Calebrese: Vincentown, New Jersey. Smack dab in the middle of the pine barrens. Hell where I live the nearest store is six miles away. Red neck city man. 

Jane: Ouch, you win. Daria: Thumper/cynic. check it out it's (Imitating Mrs. Li) Laaaawndale high. 

Jane: Figures, and us without live weapons. 

Buzzcut: Rattler/squadron. Listen up. You will each divert to the new headings I designate and engage in free flight. Hone your skills as pilots but don't get reckless understood. Cynic, Thumper This is your area. Airwolf, Viper take heading two one seven and head out for Twenty five miles. Razor and Reptile take heading one one seven and head out for the same distance. Everyone report back to these coordinates in one hour from my mark.(Looks at his watch) Mark! (Everyone splits off to their own destinations.) 

Buzzcut: Cynic/Rattler. Okay kid This is your time now. Show me your stuff. 

Jane: He's not talking about those Tommy brand shorts of yours is he. 

Daria: God, I hope not. 

Jane: Yea, only Trent has seen those. (Flash back to earlier in the year when Trent accidentally walked in on Daria while she was in the bathroom) (Daria blushes as she snaps back to reality) 

Buzzcut: (chuckles) Just fly already. 

Jane: Cynic/Thumper. You in the mood for some follow the leader? 

Daria: What? 

Jane: Keep up with me if you can! (Jane peels off to the left and descends to one hundred feet.) 

Buzzcut: Well?......Go get the little shit. 

Daria:(Sighs) You got it.(Flips down her monocle) (Daria peels left and also descends to one hundred feet and comes up directly behind Jane) 

Daria: Thumper/Cynic. Now what? 

Jane: Try and keep up. (She drops even lower and begins to dodge trees and telephone polls) 

(From Daria's P.O.V we can see Jane's apache maneuvering around various obstacles at low altitude. You can also tell by the moving scenery in Daria's front windshield that she is pitching and yawing trying to keep up with Jane) 

Jane: Cynic/Thumper. Why don't you Take the lead for a while. (Jane pushes the throttle to max R.P.M.'s and pulls into the vertical. As she reaches the peak of her ascent and becomes inverted she rolls the chopper over and banks hard left so she can descend directly behind Daria. 

Daria: Mother F..... 

Buzzcut: Damn, that was good. (Daria looks ahead to see that they are rapidly approaching The high school. Just as Daria passes over the school she slams on the brakes and drops her altitude to just below that of the school roof. Jane is to close to react in time and overshoots. Daria then pitches seventy degree's nose down and begins a hard acceleration after Jane.) 

Daria: Thumper/Cynic. I'd much rather have you in front. It's easier to lock my weapons on to you. 

Schultz: Okay Knock it off. Hold your position along the highway. We'll wait for the others here. ( Daria pulls up along side of Jane and they both slow to a hover over the highway running past the school at an altitude of one hundred fifty feet.) 

Jane: Cynic/Thumper. You having fun yet? 

Daria: Beats a bonus sock. 

Jane: How true. (Jane spots a lone vehicle coming down the road) 

Jane: Cynic/Thumper. Look out at your three o'clock. Is that who I Think it is. 

Daria:(looks off to her right) By god it's upchuck. 

Jane: (pleading to both instructors) PLEASE, if you never do anything else let us have this most worthy of all targets. 

Buzzcut; What in the hell makes you think we would allow a violation of FAA regulations like that to occur. 

Jane: He's an obnoxious, sexist, stuck up...... 

Daria: (interrupts) He's worse than Beavis and Butthead. (Nothing but silence comes from either instructor for at least a minute. Obviously both of them are familiar with those two names.) 

Shultz and Buzzcut: Clear to engage. 

Schultz: But make it quick and then haul ass out of here. 

Jane: YES!! (Both of them bank to the right while gaining altitude)We see both Daria and Jane pushing the master arm switch and then selecting the chain gun.)(They swing around low behind upchuck's car which is still speeding down the highway with the driver oblivious to what's going on behind him.)(Upchuck is startled when a military helicopter appears on either side of him. He let's out a shriek and then stomps on the gas until he pulls away from them. Unknown to Charles this is what they want him to do.)(Daria and Jane open up on him sending tracer flares whistling past his car as he swerves back and forth across the road while screaming the whole time.) (Daria and Jane Break off and as far as upchuck can tell they have disappeared.)(They however are actually seen heading back to rendevous with the rest of the squadron.) 

Jane:(Quickly) Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You have no Idea how satisfying it was to get even with that twirp. Do you know how many times he's pinched my butt over the last few years? 

Buzzcut: Call it my contribution to pest control. In the meantime keep you mouths shut about this. (They meet up with the others and head back to base) 

(As they approach for landing Jane spy's the tank sitting in the parking lot in front of the registration building) Jane: Cynic/Thumper. I've got a little surprise for you when we land. 

Daria: You mean you brought me upchucks car riddled with holes. 

Jane: You'll see. 

Daria: You would keep me in suspense. 

(Cut to the Tank) 

(Trent and Jesse are seen sitting on the hood of the Tank watching the squadron approach for landing. ) 

Trent: I wonder which one's Daria's. 

Jesse: I don't know. They all seem to fly the same. 

(After the squadron lands Jane walks Daria out to the parking lot while still in their flight gear.) 

Daria: Trent!! You came all the way up here to visit us? 

Trent: It was Janie's Idea. She wanted to surprise you. (Daria Glares at Jane) 

Daria: (to herself) mm yea I'd like to give her a surprise of my own. 

Jesse: What? 

Daria: Great to see you. (Daria looks away from Jesse only to find herself staring deeply into Trent's eyes for the next few minutes.) 

Jane: Well don't get all mushy on me. Come on I'll show you the barracks. (They walk to the barracks and Jane gives them a quick tour) 

Jane: Okay, Beds, bathroom, ceiling, floor and these are the other members of the team. This is Mike, His sister Eleni, Dom, and John. Everybody this is my brother Trent and his friend Jesse. (Everybody says Hi and shakes hands.) 

Cobretti: You guys gonna shoot some pool with us tonight? 

Trent: Uh, actually we were gonna hang out somewhere. Thanks though. 

Cobretti: It's cool. Have a good time. 

Daria: Give us a minute to change out of these flight suits and we'll get out of here. (Daria walks to the locker room) 

Jane: Trent, why don't you go help her out of that thing. (Trent glares at Jane) 

Jane: What? (Jane walks to the locker room and the both of them emerge later in their ususal garb.) 

Daria: Let's go. (They all walk to the tank, pile in, And leave) 

(Cut to a lake not far from the academy) (Everybody is seen piling out of the tank)(It is dusk now) 

Trent: I'll get a fire going. 

Jane: Good idea Trent. You never know if we might want to burn the woods down. 

Jesse: I'll unpack the food. 

Daria: Let me get this straight. You guys planned a midnight picnic? 

Jesse: It was Trent's idea. 

Trent: Yea well, we sort of got hungry on the way up here and as long as we were stopping for food any way. 

Jane: (get's the point) Aww, you thought Daria might be hungry. How thoughtful. 

Daria: (Scowling at Jane) Your eager to die aren't you? (Trent lifts an eyebrow in interest, then proceeds to get a fire going) 

( Later the fire is well under way . Jesse and Jane can be seen cooking several hotdogs on a stick) (Trent is tuning his guitar and Daria has fallen asleep on Trent's shoulder. She gives a little shiver as a cool breeze begins to blow off of the lake. Trent Silently motions for Jesse to get a blanket from the tank. He does this and places it around Daria as she still lies there sleeping) 

Jane: (looks at Daria asleep on Trent's shoulder) Dammit, talk about a Kodak moment. where's a camera when you need one. 

(With this Daria wakes up and Trent Glares at Jane) (Daria realizes where she has been sleeping and quickly moves) 

Jane: (offering a hotdog) Hungry? 

Daria:(yawns) Yea, I could go for a wiener right now. 

Jane: Oh hell, in that case you should have stayed where you were sleeping. (Daria looks at Trent and blushes) (Jane just hands Daria a hot dog) Here you can settle for this instead. 

(After they all eat Jane get's up and drags Jesse off into the shadows to be alone for a while. Leaving Daria and Trent alone by the fire.) 

(Trent resumes tuning his guitar) (Daria shivers again and pulls the blanket closer, then decides to attempt a conversation) 

Daria: Nice tattoo. A new one right? 

Trent: Yea, another copy out of tattoo world. 

Daria: cool. Um...Thanks for coming up here. I needed a break. 

Trent: Yea I figured. Janie called and told me about how much of a hell this place was. She also said you guys managed to have some fun. 

Daria: (Chuckles) We shot up upchucks car from the air with tracer flares. 

Trent: (does his laugh/cough) Is that what he was pissing himself about? He thought UFO's were out to get him. (Daria start's laughing) 

Trent: (sighs) I love the sound of your voice. 

Daria: (Blushing) Really? 

Trent: Yea, It calms me down, helps me think. You know that sort of thing. (Daria unconsciously inches closer to Trent) 

Daria: Really? 

Trent:(puts his arm around her) Yea, I've always felt comfortable talking to you. You actually listen to me. (Daria closes her eyes and places her head on Trent's shoulder. Trent runs his fingers through her hair a little bit and they Just sit by the fire and relax while listening to it crackle and make the shadows dance.) (Daria dozes off again and Trent admiringly watches her sleep.) 

(Later Daria opens her eyes but does not move. She see's Trent sitting next to her watching the fire. She looks up and see's her head is still on his shoulder and for some strange reason which she could not fathom at the time she whispered into his ear. Daria: I love you ( then she kissed Trent lightly on the cheek.) 

Trent:( looks at Daria with a smile to large to fit his face) I Know....I love you to. 

(They spend the rest of the evening cuddling in front of the fire until Jane and Jesse come back) 

Jane: Did anything happen while we were gone? 

Trent: Just peace, quiet, and an evening by the fire. (Jane raises an eyebrow in suspicion. Trent and Daria continue to hold each other close and Daria soon dozes off again.) 

(Jane looks at her watch, then goes to the tank, grabs her cell phone and checks in with the academy. After that she climbs into the Tank and tosses out the two sleeping bags that are always kept in the back.) 

Jane: Two to a bag, get in them while their warm. (Trent and Jesse unravel the sleeping bags and place them on the ground a little ways from the fire.) (Trent Places Daria's sleeping body in the bag lies down next to her and Zips it up to keep them warm. Jane and Jesse crawl into their bag and fool around until they doze off.) 

(Cut to the next morning) 

(Daria awakens to the sounds of birds on the lake, looks over at Trent sleeping next to her and opens her eyes wide. She is almost shocked until she begins to remember the activities of the previous night. At which point she calms down and begins to smile. She lies back down next to Trent and pulls him closer) (Jane who is already awake watches from her sleeping bag and mumbles to herself 

Jane:(mumbling) About Damn time. 

(They hang around the lake for the remainder of the day and then head back to the academy) 

Jane: so, have fun? 

Daria: Uh huh. 

Jane: I wonder what your parents are up to. 

Daria: If my guess is right my mother couldn't drag herself away from her cellphone so they probably came home early. 

Jane: If that were so why didn't they come to get you out of here? 

(Cut to the Morgandorffer house) (Jake can be seen chasing Helen around the bed. Neither one of them is wearing anything. 

Jake: ooh foxy lady (Helen is heard Laughing) 

(Cut back to Daria and Jane) 

Daria: (Shivers) Let's not go there. 

Trent: (Calling back from the drivers seat) So what's on the agenda? 

Jane: Well our final is this Wednesday. It's supposed to be a be a red Flag exercise between Nova squadron, That being us, and the instructors. 

Jesse: Have they given you much experience in those things? 

Daria: It's been mostly the simulator, but since they started us on the real thing we've been going up three times daily for mach engagements. 

Trent: cool. 

Jane: Listen Trent. Do you want to pick us up after we graduate? We can tell the Morgandorffer that we have another ride home. 

Trent: Anything for Janie. 

Jane: Cool. 

Jesse: Your sure your going to graduate? 

Daria: As long as we don't crash. 

Jane: You mean on purpose or accidentally? 

Trent;(chuckles) Good one Janie. 

(Cut to Wednesday. The second week of August. Red flag day) (Inside the classroom. Everyone is dressed in their flight suits and ready to go) 

Buzzcut: Alright, listen up The rules of this engagement have been explained to you. In the event of a kill on either side the aircraft will puff smoke signaling the kill. By the time you lift off we will have already been in the air for some time and will be waiting for you...somewhere. Just remember This particular engagement is not about winning or losing but how you handle your aircraft. Any questions?...(doesn't wait for a reply) Good hunting people. (They all get up to report to their aircraft) (While the students are inspecting their aircraft before flight. The instructors can be seen lifting off in smaller faster super cobras. 

(The squadron enter's their aircraft and prepare to take off.) (This time Daria is paired with Jane, Cobretti with Eleni, and John with Calebrese 

(Daria and Jane have finished their pre flight sequence and fire up their apache.) (Daria is seated in the pilots seat toward the rear of the cockpit. Jane is up front as the weapons officer) Daria: (keys up her mic) All teams check in. 

John: Reptile and Razor, ready to go 

Cobretti: Viper and airwolf ready 

Daria: Cynic and Thumper ready to kick ass. Tower this is nova squadron request clearance to lift off. 

Tower: Nova squadron you have clear sky's, a calm wind and unlimited visibility. You are clear to lift off. Good hunting. 

(Nova squadron lifts off and begins to head to the south west where the terrain is mountainous.) 

Daria: Hold formation until spot them. Then proceed to kick ass. 

Jane: Since when are you so enthusiastic about all this? 

Daria: Since I was given the opportunity to shoot down one Mr. Buzzcut. 

Jane:( Remembers all the wake up calls he gave at the beginning of his classes in the morning.) AHA, so it's payback is it. 

Daria: Damned straight. 

Jane: I LIKE IT!! 

Eleni: Contact, single bandit, range thirty miles at bearing two three zero. 

Jane; Airwolf/Thumper. where's the other two? 

Eleni: I don't Know. I only see one of them on the screen. 

Cobretti: Bait, the others are probably waiting just out of sight. Reptile, break high and right. See if you can come up on his six. 

John: Right, see you on the flip side. (He breaks off to the right) 

Jane: Coming up on high terrain. And the little bugger is still sitting pretty in one spot. 

Daria; Are we close enough to lock weapons? 

Jane: Almost, I...(an alarm is heard over the intercom. Daria and Jane look to their left to see their wingman puffing smoke. 

Eleni: They got us. Returning to base 

Jane: Dammit (looks behind her to see two cobras on their tail.) Get us the hell out of here. 

Daria: (begins evasive maneuvers) Where the hell is Reptile? 

John: Cynic/Reptile. I waxed the bait and I'm coming to you. 

(Jane checks their six only to see tracers flying past the canopy) 

Jane: You might want to do some of that pilot shit about now. 

Daria: Hold on I'm about to pull a Jane Lane. Just be ready to nail that terd. (Daria pushes the throttle to max rpm's and pulls vertical until she goes inverted and then rolls out and banks hard left dropping in behind one of the two cobras) 

Jane: (watches her console until she get's a lock and fires)( The supercobra puffs smoke and returns to base) (laughing)Oh my god the quarterback IS toast. 

Daria: Don't gloat yet where is that third cobra? 

Jane Even more interesting is where is Reptile? 

John: Coming up on your two o'clock low. 

Daria: Where is that third cobra? Did you bag him? 

John: No, he must be hiding in the terrain somewhere. I'm going to go see if I can find him. (He breaks off to the right and accelerates in a new direction.) 

Jane: Oh sure, leave us why don't you. 

Daria: Okay.. looking high, looking low, find me a snake in the tree's so I can wedge a missile up his ass. (Jane busts out laughing) (Suddenly tracers come whistling past the canopy) Jane: (checking their six) Damn, there's Buzzcut. Haul ass woman. (Daria begins a series of complex evasive maneuvers but the cobra is still on their tail) 

Daria: as they pass by a small cliff) I think he's almost got us! 

(Immediately after passing the cliff Reptile appears from his hiding spot behind the cliff and opens up on Buzzcut with the chain gun) 

John and Cobretti:(yelling into their mic) Surprise bitch. (Buzzcut breaks off and begins to run)(Reptile quickly ducks out of the way to reveal Cynic and thumper swinging around to take position) 

Daria: Lock him up, lock him up!! 

Jane: (Selects the rocket pods) Good night chuckles! (Fires and the cobra puffs smoke, then proceeds to return to base) 

Daria: Rattler's dead. 

Calebrese: Yehaw! 

Jane: (imitating Jim Carey) I have EXERCISED the demon.(Takes a breath) This house is clear. 

(Calebrese pulls a walkman out of his flight suite, pops in a micro CD and plays the Top Gun anthem.) Calebrese: I thought this would be fitting music if we won. 

Jane: works for me. Let's head home. 

(Cut to the graduation ceremony later on ) (Everyone has received their licences and are now posing for a group photo. Daria as usual has a straight face and her arms are crossed.) 

Mr. Chen: Alright everybody say apache. (As he snaps the picture the group quickly makes their own gestures. Jane grabs Cobretti and puts him in a headlock. Daria poses as if she's about to shove her boot up Jane's ass, John and Calebrese quickly plant a kiss on each of Eleni's cheeks before she can smack them. (No, not the pair you would normally expect.) 

(After that Trent and Jesse meet up with the group and everybody say's their goodbyes before heading home.) 

(As The four Darians head for the Tank) 

Jane: I don't know, That whole ordeal wasn't to bad. 

Daria:(Daria looks at Jane as if she's on crack) Jesse, I think THUMPER here is suffering from withdrawal. You'd better giver her some lovin' when we get home. (Jane's face turns beat red as she stares at Daria) 

Jesse and Trent: THUMPER?? 

(Daria sports a huge smile at seeing Jane turn red for once) 

ROLL ENDING CREDITS: Swept Away by Yanni plays in the Background 

Make overs of the Daria characters are shown as the credits roll by. Some exemples are Daria dressed up like a state trooper, Jane as a member of the WWF,Trent as the judge in celebrity death match, etc. 

The excerpt marked by an asterict was borrowed from the movie Firebirds. 

Contrary to popular belief some modern choppers are capable of performing barrel rolls and full loops. An excellent example would be the CH-53 lowboy. (A variant of the jolly green giant.) 

If anyone has a comment relating to this story please email me at wildgoose@prodigy.com 


End file.
